Friday, September 30, 2011
Please Bear With Us While Our Fearless Leader Looks For His Marbles...
Alright, obviously the whole "review" prospectus for this site is looking like a horrific train wreck of failure and rancid hot sauce. So, we're going to be re-vamping this site a little bit and considering new avenues of entertainment to offer to YOU, my fine, feathered and furry (I don't know, some of you might be into that, it's cool either way, I don't judge, yo!) content aficianadoes. More than likely we'll be moving more in the previously mentioned 'short fiction and slice of life' direction, but....really, who can say for sure. Maybe I'll do something totally unexpected, go around collecting junk mail from strangers' mail boxes and making weird collages from the logos or just post pictures of landscapes rendered in Microsoft Paint. Whatever we end up with, though, I'm sure it'll be more interesting than watching that damn housefly buzzing in loopy circles around your cat's litterbox. By the way, you need to clean that thing. Like, now.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Also, For a Moment of Seriousness...
Today has been a hard day for a lot of people, I have no doubt. I was about as disconnected, as far-removed from the events of ten years ago as an American kid could have been, and I was still profoundly affected, perhaps as much as by any personal tragedy I've ever undergone in my life. I didn't lose anyone in the attacks, no one I knew was affected by the recovery efforts. But even now, it still hurts, maybe even more now than when the pain was fresh. So many lost, taken in one of the most unfair, cowardly attacks in human history.
I want to think we've come a long way since then, as a people, a nation. Certainly our knowledge of foreign affairs and world events have been magnified extensively. We still call ourselves the Greatest Nation, but I think we've learned to show a little more compassion for those not fortunate enough to be counted among us, and even count them ourselves in our own hearts. Particularly in the last few months, with events such as the Arab Spring and the toppling of numerous middle eastern dictatorships, the lesson has been brought home more than ever that freedom, rights, and human dignity are not merely American ideals, but are shared and longed for by every man and woman to draw breath, whether they suffer under oppression or not.
I have more to say, I think, but not today. Perhaps not ever, here. I'll let others with better talents for wordcraft than I say what I cannot. Today should be a day for introspection and mourning, and perhaps, dare I say it, celebration for the memory of the lives that were lost, and the lives they touched in their time among us.
My condolences, to all of us.
I want to think we've come a long way since then, as a people, a nation. Certainly our knowledge of foreign affairs and world events have been magnified extensively. We still call ourselves the Greatest Nation, but I think we've learned to show a little more compassion for those not fortunate enough to be counted among us, and even count them ourselves in our own hearts. Particularly in the last few months, with events such as the Arab Spring and the toppling of numerous middle eastern dictatorships, the lesson has been brought home more than ever that freedom, rights, and human dignity are not merely American ideals, but are shared and longed for by every man and woman to draw breath, whether they suffer under oppression or not.
I have more to say, I think, but not today. Perhaps not ever, here. I'll let others with better talents for wordcraft than I say what I cannot. Today should be a day for introspection and mourning, and perhaps, dare I say it, celebration for the memory of the lives that were lost, and the lives they touched in their time among us.
My condolences, to all of us.
Another Review! Of...a Movie Everyone Else Has Probably Already Seen!
The A-Team
An elite team of military operatives is framed for a crime they didn't commit, and fights to clear their names. Sounds like good old summertime fun, doesn't it? Based on a (popular?) 80s television series of the same name, The A-Team premiered on June 11, 2010 in the US (June 10 in NZ) and received...mixed reviews. I don't know what movie the other critics were watching, but I very much liked what I saw.
First off, the story. Brash military renegades who always accomplish their missions with maximum precision and cool smart-assery are set up by their ham-handed corporate soldier rivals, get sent up the river and bust out to bring the real criminals to justice. I'm sure there were probably some plot holes or inconsistencies somewhere in this plot, but come on, this ain't meant to be opera. It's best enjoyed with the brain turned off and the 'OMG That's Cool' dial cranked up to eleven. For example, despite the fact that it's almost certainly physically impossible to actually do, this movie taught me how to fly a tank. And isn't education like that what great cinema is all about?
The writing is fantastic, if a little hyperactive. I don't think I went more than three minutes at a stretch without hearing some witty one-liner or snappy comeback, and while I appreciate the effort, by about halfway through the flick I was actually getting tired of being so entertained. There were some dramatic scenes of course, pushing the story along and revealing the real plot twists which you'll probably see coming, but they were few and far between and felt almost like little bites of seriousness salad in the middle of a buffet of comedy cakes. Delicious, delicious cakes.
Liam Neeson plays the gruff, master-planning, stogie-chomping team leader, John "Hannibal" Smith. His second in command, irrepressible charmer Templeton "Faceman" Peck, is played by Bradley Cooper of The Hangover fame. The part of Bosco "B.A." Barracus is helmed by UFC superstar Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (man, there are a lot of nicknames in this paragraph!), and Sharlto Copley, who to my shame I'd never heard of prior to viewing this film, plays Captain H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock, who may just be my new favorite action comedy character of all time.
At the beginning, the team has not yet been framed for their supposed crime; in fact, the team hasn't even been formed yet. The movie opens with Hannibal and Face in less-than-favorable conditions. Down in Mexico to remove a corrupt general from power, Hannibal is about to be executed by a pair of corrupt policia while the targeted general is getting ready to burn Face alive (for sleeping with his wife, which wasn't technically part of the plan but as a gleefully unrepentent Peck explains to the general, "we both hated you!"). Through the power of improbable coincidence, Hannibal manages to escape his captors and enlist the aid of B.A., who has just recovered his beloved custom van from a local chop shop, and the pair race to rescue Face from a fate worse than sunburn. The now-trio escapes with the general's men in hot pursuit and Hannibal firmly lecturing Face for deviating from their original plan by involving the general's wife.
After losing their pursuers for a few moments, the team stops at a local army base hospital in order to commandeer an Air-Evac helicopter to aid in their escape, and also to get B.A. some medical attention for a nasty bullet wound received during their flight. Along the way, Hannibal finds and convinces 'doctor' (read: psych ward patient) Captain Murdock to act as their pilot and fly them in the hospital's 'copter into nearby U.S. airspace. Thrilling aerobatics ensue, the team escapes safely, and thus we witness the initial formation of The A-Team!
For those who might expect this movie to just be one big, hilarious, gunpowder-packed sausagefest, fear not! The lovely Jessica Biel stars as the tenacious Agent Sosa, tasked with hunting down the team (especially Face, with whom she shares a romantic history) after their escape, a job she aggressively commits herself to. Biel's character lacks some of the development of her co-stars and sadly doesn't receive nearly as much screen time as perhaps she deserves, but I'm not sure whether that's due to the story not having enough room for her, or her character not having enough to do. Either way, her appearances were rather brief, but enjoyable.
On the whole, this was a really enjoyable movie, just the kind of mindless fun that you can pop in the DVD player and munch on an over-sized bowl of popcorn with your friends. It's a party flick, summer fare at its best. Maybe you don't have the space on your shelf or the green in your pocket to pick up a copy for keeps. But if you've got a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can rent...The A-Team.
Spoilers:
The original TV series was created by Stephen J. Cannell and Frank Lupo.
Laurence Tureaud (AKA Mr. T), who played B.A. Barracus in the original series, was well known for his signature "I Pity the Fool" line. This line, while never spoken aloud in the film, is referenced by tattoos on Quinton Jackson's knuckles: "Pity" and "Fool", on his left and right hands, respectively.
Two of the actors from the original series, Dirk Benedict (Face) and Dwight Schultz (Murdock), had cameo roles at the end of the film with their respective film counterparts.
An elite team of military operatives is framed for a crime they didn't commit, and fights to clear their names. Sounds like good old summertime fun, doesn't it? Based on a (popular?) 80s television series of the same name, The A-Team premiered on June 11, 2010 in the US (June 10 in NZ) and received...mixed reviews. I don't know what movie the other critics were watching, but I very much liked what I saw.
First off, the story. Brash military renegades who always accomplish their missions with maximum precision and cool smart-assery are set up by their ham-handed corporate soldier rivals, get sent up the river and bust out to bring the real criminals to justice. I'm sure there were probably some plot holes or inconsistencies somewhere in this plot, but come on, this ain't meant to be opera. It's best enjoyed with the brain turned off and the 'OMG That's Cool' dial cranked up to eleven. For example, despite the fact that it's almost certainly physically impossible to actually do, this movie taught me how to fly a tank. And isn't education like that what great cinema is all about?
The writing is fantastic, if a little hyperactive. I don't think I went more than three minutes at a stretch without hearing some witty one-liner or snappy comeback, and while I appreciate the effort, by about halfway through the flick I was actually getting tired of being so entertained. There were some dramatic scenes of course, pushing the story along and revealing the real plot twists which you'll probably see coming, but they were few and far between and felt almost like little bites of seriousness salad in the middle of a buffet of comedy cakes. Delicious, delicious cakes.
Liam Neeson plays the gruff, master-planning, stogie-chomping team leader, John "Hannibal" Smith. His second in command, irrepressible charmer Templeton "Faceman" Peck, is played by Bradley Cooper of The Hangover fame. The part of Bosco "B.A." Barracus is helmed by UFC superstar Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (man, there are a lot of nicknames in this paragraph!), and Sharlto Copley, who to my shame I'd never heard of prior to viewing this film, plays Captain H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock, who may just be my new favorite action comedy character of all time.
At the beginning, the team has not yet been framed for their supposed crime; in fact, the team hasn't even been formed yet. The movie opens with Hannibal and Face in less-than-favorable conditions. Down in Mexico to remove a corrupt general from power, Hannibal is about to be executed by a pair of corrupt policia while the targeted general is getting ready to burn Face alive (for sleeping with his wife, which wasn't technically part of the plan but as a gleefully unrepentent Peck explains to the general, "we both hated you!"). Through the power of improbable coincidence, Hannibal manages to escape his captors and enlist the aid of B.A., who has just recovered his beloved custom van from a local chop shop, and the pair race to rescue Face from a fate worse than sunburn. The now-trio escapes with the general's men in hot pursuit and Hannibal firmly lecturing Face for deviating from their original plan by involving the general's wife.
After losing their pursuers for a few moments, the team stops at a local army base hospital in order to commandeer an Air-Evac helicopter to aid in their escape, and also to get B.A. some medical attention for a nasty bullet wound received during their flight. Along the way, Hannibal finds and convinces 'doctor' (read: psych ward patient) Captain Murdock to act as their pilot and fly them in the hospital's 'copter into nearby U.S. airspace. Thrilling aerobatics ensue, the team escapes safely, and thus we witness the initial formation of The A-Team!
For those who might expect this movie to just be one big, hilarious, gunpowder-packed sausagefest, fear not! The lovely Jessica Biel stars as the tenacious Agent Sosa, tasked with hunting down the team (especially Face, with whom she shares a romantic history) after their escape, a job she aggressively commits herself to. Biel's character lacks some of the development of her co-stars and sadly doesn't receive nearly as much screen time as perhaps she deserves, but I'm not sure whether that's due to the story not having enough room for her, or her character not having enough to do. Either way, her appearances were rather brief, but enjoyable.
On the whole, this was a really enjoyable movie, just the kind of mindless fun that you can pop in the DVD player and munch on an over-sized bowl of popcorn with your friends. It's a party flick, summer fare at its best. Maybe you don't have the space on your shelf or the green in your pocket to pick up a copy for keeps. But if you've got a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can rent...The A-Team.
Spoilers:
The original TV series was created by Stephen J. Cannell and Frank Lupo.
Laurence Tureaud (AKA Mr. T), who played B.A. Barracus in the original series, was well known for his signature "I Pity the Fool" line. This line, while never spoken aloud in the film, is referenced by tattoos on Quinton Jackson's knuckles: "Pity" and "Fool", on his left and right hands, respectively.
Two of the actors from the original series, Dirk Benedict (Face) and Dwight Schultz (Murdock), had cameo roles at the end of the film with their respective film counterparts.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Hey, my first review! Ain'tcha proud? I am!
Red Riding Hood
Oh, this movie. I've always loved the Red Riding Hood mythos. I like the straight-up, no frills classic children's story version, and I enjoy the updated and contemporary-twist retellings. I seriously dig the original Brothers Grimm tale that fits more in line with horror than happy endings, and I love the hell out of Hoodwinked. So despite the naysaying that surrounded this movie, I had this tiny sliver of hope that the newest remake would be worth watching.
And lo, did disappointment rain down from the heavens upon the pressing of the play button.
I realized this was going to be a less than stellar movie about five minutes in, when the young male proto-lead leaped up out of the ditch with his perfectly coiffed, shampooed hair and spiffy leather tunic and startled the pretty girl who would grow up to be our story's heroine, and the pair ran off into the supposedly foreboding, Thomas Kinkaide-style forest in search of childhood mischief. The children are shown trapping a rabbit, and presumably bonding over their shared inability to kill and skin the little bundle of fluff. (Spoiler: the rabbit doesn't make it.) Almost immediately afterward, the scene skips forward to show the young lovers, now suitably aged just past the cuff of legally naughty, embroiled in the sort of romantic angst that would make even the most emo, pseudo-goth teenager embarrassed. No build-up, no emotional investment, no reason to care about either character. 'Here they are, hot and in love yet kept apart by cruel and uncaring parents, YOU WILL FEEL BAD FOR THEM!!!'
The rest of the film showed precious little improvement on this score. The plot (a werewolf terrorizes a quaint, painfully picturesque village after breaking a truce maintained with the townspeople for generations) alternated between snail's-pace and break-neck, but in all the wrong places, and most of the actors could have been replaced with 8x10s taped onto sticks and phoned in their lines without any noticeable difference. Shiloh Fernandez, the actor who played Amanda Seyfried's love interest, must have been tragically afflicted with some horrible disease in his childhood, because he can't seem to alter his facial expression. Also, despite the fact that the two have completely different hairstyles, I had a bit of trouble telling the difference between him and Max Irons' character, the wealthy blacksmith's son and rival heartthrob. Cookie-cutter pretty boys, fresh off the press!
That's not to say the movie lacks strong acting, but it's a lot rarer than it needs to be. Gary Oldman delivers a decent enough performance as the werewolf-hunting zealot priest, although far from what we would expect from the man who brings Batman's Commissioner Gordon to life, and Amanda Seyfried displays surprising talent behind those alluring blue eyes of hers. But in a cast composed mostly of up-and-comers and Syfy Channel stars (Stargate SG1's Michael Shanks and Battlestar Galacta's Michael Hogan both have bit parts as the blacksmith and town elder, respectively), that's not exactly vaulting the bar for excellence. More like shuffling up to the bar and ordering an iced coffee.
The main problem this movie has, far worse than its acting, is the writing. The story concept is great, and had it been handled better would have been thrilling to watch. A vicious, shapeshifting monster, hiding among its prey and stalking those who would dare to challenge its dreadful power? Sounds fantastic! But the writers for this film seemed unable to grasp the right way to heighten the suspense, to demonstrate the fear the villagers felt when the sunlight fell away and the deathly moon rose red with blood. Perhaps the worst element was the way the werewolf's identity was handled. To whoever wrote the script, here's a hint: if you have multiple suspects and want the audience to invest a little something in figuring out who did it without feeling cheated at the end, actually make one of the damn suspects the culprit! Do not spin around ten minutes before the end and go 'Oh yeah, and by the way it was THIS GUY, who got almost NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, all along! What, you didn't see the clues we left for you? Here, we'll replay them in a quick flashback OH NO WAIT WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SHOW ANY OF THOSE CLUES IN THE FIRST PLACE DID WE TOO BAD SUCKERS!'.
If this movie has anything resembling a saving grace, it has to be the scenery. The art, the camera angles, the use of color and the set designs are freaking gorgeous. Snow-capped mountainsides and crisp, icy rivers looked brisk and fresh without making me want to turn up my thermostat, the insides of buildings felt dark and rustic and ruggedly homey, and the village seemed positively alive (at several points, moreso than the actors filling it). Many times during this film I had a strong suspicion that whoever designed the sets took more inspiration from the starting town of almost any video game RPG ever published than from anything in a history book, but it looked pretty cool so I was willing to let it slide. The music isn't teeth-gnashingly bad, either; most of it was rather forgettable, but there were a few likable pieces scattered about the film's score. Also, a note about the costumes: Everyone has a cape or a cloak. And as we all know, cloaks and capes are cool. Seriously. It's on the internet -- look it up.
In all, this is just a bad movie. I don't really like to grade films like this, because I feel a little out of place passing judgement on something I had no hand in making. But if I WERE the kind of guy who did stuff like that, I'd give Red Riding Hood...two out of five stars. If you sit down to watch this film and expect to get your money's worth, you're probably in for a lousy night. But if you just accept that you're going to be watching a bad movie, it gets *a bit* easier to bear. That, and Amanda Seyfried and her would-be boyfriends are just smokin' hot. That helps a lot.
And it's still better than Twilight.
Spoilers:
Not once in the course of this film is Seyfried's character, Valerie, ever referred to as 'red riding hood', or any derivative thereof.
However, the iconic 'Grandmother, what big *blank* you have' dialogue makes an appearance during a (rather dull) dream sequence.
Oh, this movie. I've always loved the Red Riding Hood mythos. I like the straight-up, no frills classic children's story version, and I enjoy the updated and contemporary-twist retellings. I seriously dig the original Brothers Grimm tale that fits more in line with horror than happy endings, and I love the hell out of Hoodwinked. So despite the naysaying that surrounded this movie, I had this tiny sliver of hope that the newest remake would be worth watching.
And lo, did disappointment rain down from the heavens upon the pressing of the play button.
I realized this was going to be a less than stellar movie about five minutes in, when the young male proto-lead leaped up out of the ditch with his perfectly coiffed, shampooed hair and spiffy leather tunic and startled the pretty girl who would grow up to be our story's heroine, and the pair ran off into the supposedly foreboding, Thomas Kinkaide-style forest in search of childhood mischief. The children are shown trapping a rabbit, and presumably bonding over their shared inability to kill and skin the little bundle of fluff. (Spoiler: the rabbit doesn't make it.) Almost immediately afterward, the scene skips forward to show the young lovers, now suitably aged just past the cuff of legally naughty, embroiled in the sort of romantic angst that would make even the most emo, pseudo-goth teenager embarrassed. No build-up, no emotional investment, no reason to care about either character. 'Here they are, hot and in love yet kept apart by cruel and uncaring parents, YOU WILL FEEL BAD FOR THEM!!!'
The rest of the film showed precious little improvement on this score. The plot (a werewolf terrorizes a quaint, painfully picturesque village after breaking a truce maintained with the townspeople for generations) alternated between snail's-pace and break-neck, but in all the wrong places, and most of the actors could have been replaced with 8x10s taped onto sticks and phoned in their lines without any noticeable difference. Shiloh Fernandez, the actor who played Amanda Seyfried's love interest, must have been tragically afflicted with some horrible disease in his childhood, because he can't seem to alter his facial expression. Also, despite the fact that the two have completely different hairstyles, I had a bit of trouble telling the difference between him and Max Irons' character, the wealthy blacksmith's son and rival heartthrob. Cookie-cutter pretty boys, fresh off the press!
That's not to say the movie lacks strong acting, but it's a lot rarer than it needs to be. Gary Oldman delivers a decent enough performance as the werewolf-hunting zealot priest, although far from what we would expect from the man who brings Batman's Commissioner Gordon to life, and Amanda Seyfried displays surprising talent behind those alluring blue eyes of hers. But in a cast composed mostly of up-and-comers and Syfy Channel stars (Stargate SG1's Michael Shanks and Battlestar Galacta's Michael Hogan both have bit parts as the blacksmith and town elder, respectively), that's not exactly vaulting the bar for excellence. More like shuffling up to the bar and ordering an iced coffee.
The main problem this movie has, far worse than its acting, is the writing. The story concept is great, and had it been handled better would have been thrilling to watch. A vicious, shapeshifting monster, hiding among its prey and stalking those who would dare to challenge its dreadful power? Sounds fantastic! But the writers for this film seemed unable to grasp the right way to heighten the suspense, to demonstrate the fear the villagers felt when the sunlight fell away and the deathly moon rose red with blood. Perhaps the worst element was the way the werewolf's identity was handled. To whoever wrote the script, here's a hint: if you have multiple suspects and want the audience to invest a little something in figuring out who did it without feeling cheated at the end, actually make one of the damn suspects the culprit! Do not spin around ten minutes before the end and go 'Oh yeah, and by the way it was THIS GUY, who got almost NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, all along! What, you didn't see the clues we left for you? Here, we'll replay them in a quick flashback OH NO WAIT WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SHOW ANY OF THOSE CLUES IN THE FIRST PLACE DID WE TOO BAD SUCKERS!'.
If this movie has anything resembling a saving grace, it has to be the scenery. The art, the camera angles, the use of color and the set designs are freaking gorgeous. Snow-capped mountainsides and crisp, icy rivers looked brisk and fresh without making me want to turn up my thermostat, the insides of buildings felt dark and rustic and ruggedly homey, and the village seemed positively alive (at several points, moreso than the actors filling it). Many times during this film I had a strong suspicion that whoever designed the sets took more inspiration from the starting town of almost any video game RPG ever published than from anything in a history book, but it looked pretty cool so I was willing to let it slide. The music isn't teeth-gnashingly bad, either; most of it was rather forgettable, but there were a few likable pieces scattered about the film's score. Also, a note about the costumes: Everyone has a cape or a cloak. And as we all know, cloaks and capes are cool. Seriously. It's on the internet -- look it up.
In all, this is just a bad movie. I don't really like to grade films like this, because I feel a little out of place passing judgement on something I had no hand in making. But if I WERE the kind of guy who did stuff like that, I'd give Red Riding Hood...two out of five stars. If you sit down to watch this film and expect to get your money's worth, you're probably in for a lousy night. But if you just accept that you're going to be watching a bad movie, it gets *a bit* easier to bear. That, and Amanda Seyfried and her would-be boyfriends are just smokin' hot. That helps a lot.
And it's still better than Twilight.
Spoilers:
Not once in the course of this film is Seyfried's character, Valerie, ever referred to as 'red riding hood', or any derivative thereof.
However, the iconic 'Grandmother, what big *blank* you have' dialogue makes an appearance during a (rather dull) dream sequence.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Obligatory Intro
Welcome to Bacon Flavored Monkeys, the 63,755th-weirdest-titled blog on the Internet! This blog is mostly going to feature reviews of new, popular, or even just my favorites-of-the-moment books, movies, television series, and other little nuggets of pop culture, as well as occasional weird slice-of-life stories and -- if you're really, really (un)lucky -- snippets of short fiction and possibly poetry, either mine or my friends' (as soon as I finish digging up / rebuilding them). I'm looking forward to seeing what's gonna go on here, and I hope you are too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)